After a week of indulging in food, pool time, and relaxation with my girl, we finally arrived home after a 13 hour drive from Texas. I had just spent several days at the Magnolia Silos in Waco, with promises to myself to return with a refreshed heart, full of grace, and a loving attitude. The first 15 minutes were lovely, greeted by all of our boys with hugs and loves, telling of our adventures, and giving out souvenirs… Then I found the stinky laundry in the washer and was reminded of why I felt so exhausted and heavy every. single. day. It took all of 15 minutes to dive right back into the life I so desperately needed a vacation from.
It’s not the laundry that bogs me down, I actually rather enjoy doing the daily chores that prove I have this many children in my life to love. Its the constant feeling of not being enough. Having so many things and people pulling for my attention, that I constantly feel as though I am letting someone down. I recognize that this is most likely an internal issue that I have created with my need to perfect everything. Coming home to all of the things in life that are far from it, left me with a heavy heart this morning when I woke up to another day.
Here is the point of this post, not to complain, or shout “poor me”, but to find the answer to how you truly put life’s struggles at the feet of Jesus. One of the most frustrating things I hear from fellow Christians is to just “give it to God”. That would be awesome, but here is the truth that I struggle with… sin has consequence here on earth, and it’s hard, and painful. I know in the depths of my soul that Jesus has already won the war on sin, that the struggles I face are temporary, and that there is absolute hope in the power of Jesus. He has shown me time and time again that He can redeem even the most tarnished areas of my life. But in the middle of the hurt, it’s hard.
When I wake up every morning to the face of a child that I cannot for the life of me reach with my love… It hurts. When I am reminded daily that although we have adopted these 2 amazing boys, and promised to love them as our own, it did not erase the brokenness of their lives. Lives full of distrust and pain. It hurts.
When I come home to the husband that I want so badly to reconnect with, and he has to leave for work within 30 minutes of my arrival home, and again the next morning before even sharing a cup of coffee. It hurts.
The friends that feel as though I have not done enough in their time of need. It hurts.
This is life, and I know that the bible promises there will be trouble. We all have plenty, but I am on a mission to live loved, knowing that in Jesus I am enough, even if I am constantly letting others down. (As I typed those words, the song “Who You Say I Am” is playing…”I’m a child of God, YES I AM!!!!!”)
I have recently read the book “Nothing To Prove” by Jennie Allen, and am currently re-reading it. It speaks of our constant feeling of not being enough, feeling like it’s impossible to live up to the expectations of others, and that we are NOT SUPPOSED TO!! Jesus is enough, but I am not. This is where I am in my walk with Jesus, this right here. Recognizing that Alana, the girl who likes her ducks in a nice straight row, is a mess without Jesus. After years of striving to be the “perfect” mom, wife, housekeeper, friend, daughter, etc… realizes she is in fact broken. And only Jesus can put the pieces back together. Only Jesus can heal the hurts that adoption brings. Only Jesus can heal a marriage that was built on worldly ways for the first 18 years. Only Jesus can fill the gaping holes in my imperfect parenting. I am not enough. But Jesus…